How can you choose what is the best choice to make? How do you know whether or not the decisions you choose will lead you down the right path; a path leading to where you want to go. Because in my experience, these supposed right paths end up sinuously turning until you have no idea where you are. I know where I want to go: I know what I want to do and the life I want to experience: but I've no idea if my choices are going to get me there. Will I live up to the expectations of my parents? Will I overcome the difficulty of chemistry and receive my biology degree? Most importantly, will I be the best wife and mother a woman could ever be? How do I know these things?
So many fears, trepidations, doubts, which ever word you choose to label such emotions, have plagued my mind for years. I would always ponder on my possibility to fail; never on my ability to succeed. Never have I felt worthy or good enough, until now. People are going to make mistakes, people are going to fall. The whole point of not knowing the purpose or meaning of life, or not understanding why such experiences leave fatal wounds on your heart, scars on your skin, the whole point is because where's the excitement in that? When the love of your life kissed you for the first time, did you plan it out: the moment: the time: the place? Or did he grab you, pull you in, and press his lips upon yours, oh so gently and lovingly? There was a rush of emotions and adrenaline, a climax of happiness convoluted with fear. But yet, you had no idea where that was going. All you knew is that you wanted to be in that moment.
I want to be in this moment; these ever so fleeting moments that turn to days and years. Every year will hold its own arsenal of obstacles. And screw this feeling of unworthiness. Fuck feeling unbeautiful. I am beautiful. Yes, inside and out, little old me, is beautiful.
