I want to believe in this new father in front of me - this never before seen parental figure that not only embraces me for who I am but encourages for truth and acceptance. He has never shown me such understanding; only misery and belittlement, castigation and fear. Bruises, tears, scars, are the only memories and imprints left upon me as a being through out my life. But now, he has grown into such a character that I can honestly, without hesitation, divulge my loss of virginity and not be rebuked. But can I truly trust in such a confidant? Or will slowly breaking the walls I have constantly, fortuitously built to protect me end in yet again, disappointment and shame?
He used to be an abusive drunk. He used to hit my mother. He used to throw tables at his very children. He used to not love me. I have always been ashamed - never has he been a father and never will he receive the chance after all the opportunities he dwindled and wasted away. Every time I believed, even for such a brevity as a second, that he was changing for the betterment of our family, I would be heartbroken in some catastrophic way; in ways that lead to my own self harm for such shame of where I come from. My mother is skeptically paranoid enough to be institutionalized. My sister is immature enough to jump off a bridge if someone lied and said it was the "new trend". My father has such a strong temper that he wouldn't think twice about slamming me into a wall. My grandfather is so mentally perverted as to attempt to molest his own children. My other grandfather so sexually addicted as to cheat on my loving, adorable grandmother. See the pattern? I am the offspring of a mutated genetic line - mutations eliciting moral and ethical degradation and fucking mental insanity!
What about my own mutations? How is my perspective of reality distorted you may wonder? Well, I lack the ability to control my own emotions. Happy or sad, weary or strong, all directly influenced purely on events that, might I add, I will always misunderstand; if not misunderstand then understand even though there is no symbolic or allegorical meaning behind those very events. How can I understand something that doesn't exist? - exactly.
Back to the main point. Is this really a changed man or is it a facade? Can I finally feel loved by at least someone in my family or will I have to rely on the support of my boyfriend to keep me on my feet during my episodal emotional outbreaks? And fearfully wondering yet evading, is this a father, or a foe?
