What delineates the difference between ethical and amoral? What standards can a single human being place on the morality of a decision when the same exact decision can be influenced by different catalysts in different situations every single time? A husband cheats on his wife: an ever so loving wife who has devoted her entire corroboration to the well-being and emotional fortitude of her family. A husband cheats on his wife: an ever so vindictive bitch who controls his every move and castigates any attempt at thoughtfulness because it just quite "isn't good enough." Where is the line drawn? Such decisions can be so placid yet so elusive in meaning. I can sit here in this booth, type this piece and attempt to justify my decisions by using my past experiences as a "legitimate" excuse. Though, if I truly were as smart as I attempt to seem through these empty words then I would use my past as a substratum for emotional growth; not emotional justification. If I truly were a moral person, I would not have to justify: I would have reasons for my decisions and those reasons should, and would, quintessentially be enough.
I look at myself in the mirror and I tell myself "I am proud of who I am." Today shall be a new day and any past indiscretions in moral sanctity will never again entangle my purity of mind and soul. But yet, I think of my actions just two days ago, and wonder whether or not God would approve of such antics. The ironic thing is that my faith in this deity that most of the world surprisingly clings to is abysmal to extant; and yet, his approval is what remains racing through my inner conscience as if I know deep down, he is watching. In all honesty, I believe this "deity" is really metaphorical for the inner shame everyone bears in their hearts. Most can maintain it within though mine seems to bleed through and trickles down my shirt, dripping along the floor with every step so as to remind me that yet again, I will fuck up. God is not a floating man in the sky who created the earth and heavens - he is the symbolic conscience that we humans pray we have because the only person who knows absolutely everything about ourselves is us. No one can run from their past. No one can hide from it. All we can menially attempt to do is learn from it and not reenact the same actions that influenced such a self-loathing. Me, I can't seem to do that. I constantly find myself making the same mistakes over and over and yet, I enjoy myself. I enjoy knowing I can get anyone I want. Every single man I've ever met has not only been willing but has cheated to spend just one erotic night with me. And I fucking love it. The only thing anyone has ever wanted from me is a sexual liaison, and for the longest this "niche" in society, this pathetic, whorish, disgusting role "God" seems to have deemed me ashamed me to the point of emotional insanity. But I have learned to accept it. I will be proud of my "enticing" skills. If it's the role I was born to play why not play it right?
So this is all I have to say to anybody out there who wants to criticize, castigate, and ostracize anyone who is "morally" different. Go fuck yourself. No one person has the authority, nor the emotional right, to label that which is approved and that which is degraded in regards of ethical integrity. All that matters is that you can live with yourself and the decisions you have made. The life you live is the result of every decision you yourself have made. Do not blame your family, or your illness, or your "inexplicable" shit hole of a life. It's your own damn fault. Accept it, love it, and just go with it. And if not, don't make me sit here and feel guilty for something that I fucking enjoyed every second of.
